It’s hard to know where to pick up from my last post–a lot has happened, and not much at all has happened–it all depends on how you look at it, I suppose.
My BP has been way up the past few days–topping out at 170/90 or so. I attribute it to feeling unsettled at my parents’ house, feeling stressed about the progress on the house reno, my ex husband being an absolute psychopathic stalker, being so freaking horny it is beyond ridiculous, not being able to let my kink out, keeping J happy and occupied, feeling resentful over having to keep a grown-ass man happy and occupied, arguing with J about the progress of the reno and arguing with J about my meds.
In case you missed it, or if I forgot to mention it–J is convinced that I don’t need to take any of my heart medications–based on no discernible facts whatsoever. He is against taking medication of any kind (except for the copious amounts of booze that he drinks–that is okay, mainly because it is for him). Yup, I think that it’s ridiculous also. But we have actually had major fights over this (which also drives up my BP)–and I walked in to find him discussing it, just this week, with my mom. He had been drinking, of course.
My main argument–aside from the ridiculousness of it all, is that had he seen me in the ICU last year, as sick as I was and as near death as I was, he wouldn’t be arguing about this. But, he didn’t bother to visit–so, I’ll never know if it would have made a difference. I’m not sure that I even care anymore. He can have all of the stupid, ill-informed opinions that he wants–as long as he keeps them to himself, we’re good. And if I end up needing a new heart? Well, assuming that I survive the transplant, I will be on even more meds to keep my body from rejecting the new organ. But, we can fight across that bridge when we come to it.
This is yet another bump along the way. His drinking and cheating with Laurene (and God knows who else) has obliterated my trust in him–and while it can be rebuilt–it is an uphill climb. Things are likely to stay open for the foreseeable future. Thank goodness that I still have an infinite amount of love for him. I always will.
What else is new? I made a couple of new friends who I adore and love hanging out with either online or in person. I’m excited that they are in my life. One lives a little far away, but he intrigues and impresses the hell out of me–so I hope to be someone who he enjoys talking with and spending time with. It is seldom that I meet people who broadcast on the same channel as I do–and when I meet one, I am smitten. I sure hope that I inspire the same/mutual feelings–and that I inspire him in general. The muse in me needs and craves that–the knowledge that I am inspiring another. I live for it–and it is my reason for being. Inspiring others is my oxygen.
Aside from new friends, I rejoined, Fetlife. I enjoy maintaining a connection to the life, but it won’t go anywhere. I accept that side of myself completely, but have not indulged it in so long–and probably won’t. A good top is hard to find and I am not inclined to do scenes with strangers–not as a sub. And trying to teach J or anyone else to top me? Yeah, no. Either you have that dominance or you don’t. I’m a natural alpha–and I need a natural alpha top. You can’t teach that. I apologize if this makes you uncomfortable–I really needed to get it out.
And my exhibitionist side? We’ll see what happens. It’s far more vanilla than my other proclivities, and easier to get a partner on board. Although you don’t hear it nearly as often, a good voyeur is hard to find. But, let’s be honest–if you put on a good enough show, someone will watch. I just regret not fighting harder for an exterior wall of glass in my bedroom. xo
ealvfargond 