So, that happened. It’s really no biggie, but still. As many of you know (from my talking about it–pervs), I don’t like to wear panties, but I wear them to keep my mom happy (it’s a very long story). I may be a rebel, but if my mom asks me for something that I can give her–I give it to her. Period.
Okay, so, there’s a stack of freshly laundered undies with the zebra ones all visible behind my cat in a recent picture. Given how much personal stuff I share online, this is like nothing, but, call me old fashioned–I think that it’s kind of rude to let my undie laundry show on a picture that I’m posting. Because no one wants to see that, right? Yup, I’m a dork.
This first full week of being truly apart from J has been odd–sad, a little lonely, hopeful and a little angry. Make that just angry. No little about it. I’m mad. Mad that I’ve spent the last 5 1/2 years of my life trying so hard to be the perfect partner, failing miserably, having my heart broken over and over–so many lies, being nothing but a disappointment and knowing that I had, once again, found a guy who will treat me like me father does. By that, I mean, is dismissive of my concerns, desires and questions, acts like I am a pest or a burden or a disappointment most of the time and just really doesn’t seem to enjoy my company. Now, I know, waa, waa waa–call me when you have a real problem. I get it–I do. My life has been privileged–and I do owe that to my parents and their generosity. And on the grand scale of things, I really don’t have much to complain about.
However, I am finally starting to see and believe that I deserve to have good things too–not just everyone else. My happiness is not the price I pay to live in this world with people less fortunate than I. I have just had the misfortune to have entangled my life with people who saw that weakness and exploited it to the fullest of their abilities. And I was just sitting there, stupid as fuck, because I was grateful, yes, GRATEFUL, that they even wanted me around. It’s ridiculous when I say it out loud–but it is honestly the way that I feel a lot of the time. I am honestly a little surprised when anyone wants to spend time with me. But I’m working on it–and am slowly getting better.
So yeah, that’s why I’m even telling you this–not to have a Friday-night pity party, but so maybe someone might realize that they can do this too. That they can see for themselves that they deserve happiness. And that sacrificing themselves, who they are and their happiness is not the price they pay to live here either.
ealvfargond 