Okay, so–I have been operating under the assumption that you guys all know who Adolf is in relation to me. And I was wrong to do that. Adolf is my ex–and Adolf is not his real name–please tell me you knew that?! I have more than a few friends who thought that it was. And that makes me feel bad on a couple of different levels.
Anyhow, as you may have discerned, Adolf and I had a very fuct up, abusive relationship–so, the things that I talk about that involve him are overwhelmingly, not happy memories. I’m glad to be far away from him and hope to stay that way.
It is also not my intention to bad mouth him. Had he wanted me to remember him fondly, he should have been a completely different person. And while all of this is a matter of my opinion–I think that I am being as fair as possible.
But, what if he was right about me? What if I really am that ridiculous? That destructive? That terrible? That unlovable? I know that the knee jerk reaction is to say that of course he’s wrong, but, what if he isn’t? And I know that it is pointless to dwell on it because it goes nowhere good. Intellectually, I know that I’m not, that this is just the stuff that I internalized during the course of that relationship, but I have to struggle, every day, to not fall into that pit. And some days I fail. Today had elements of a fail day, but it is ending nicely, so not an altogether fail. I’ll take that. xo
ealvfargond 