Month: November 2015

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”–Mary Oliver

I love this quote–always have–and unfortunately, it has become a bit of a cliche lately. Although it was about the death of her partner, it really can be taken so many ways–which is what makes it so relevant and beautiful. 

We all have had this happen, at least most of us, and some of us have had it happen more than once. Have you thought about it? Your box of darkness? The person who gave it to you? What did/does that darkness mean to you? Was it actually a gift in your mind? Or, does that sort of gift require time as a necessary component?

I have reflected on all of these (or similar) questions at different points in my life–and have the answers that apply to now, kind of. Well, I think that they are answers–but only time will tell, I guess. What sort of gift did Adolf  give me? What about J? No worries, I’ll get there.

This time of year makes me think of how different my life was last year at this time, five years ago–ten years ago. I used to do Thanksgiving at my house in the woods and it was always tense. I came to do this particular holiday because I ended up at a Denny’s one year for Thanksgiving, and vowed to never let that happen again–and you haven’t seen depressing until you’ve spent your Thanksgiving at a Denny’s with someone you deeply dislike. 

It would be defensible to say that Adolf made holidays an unpredictable nightmare–and they were seldom pleasant. One year, he invited his family to join us–and expected me to prepare, serve and clean up the entire 4-day event, by myself, including interacting with his family, with a smile and a good attitude. And because people like him don’t happen in a vacuum, you can about imagine what his whole family is like–all in one place at one time. Horrifying doesn’t even begin to cover it. Between the blond jokes and overt sexual (and sexist) comments from his stepfather to his sister and her boyfriend, who looked like he had originated in a box labeled, “generic network news anchor”, the whole holiday weekend was a cluster fuck. And they had all sorts of complaints about me because, of course they did. His family didn’t like me from the time that he and I started dating–and that didn’t change once we were married–they actually liked me less. I didn’t like them either, so it all worked out. 

Holidays with J were always sort of nonevents, mainly because he either went to Bismarck to celebrate with his family or he stayed at our apt/house, drinking and gaming, while I went to my parents’ house. Only in the last year did he join me. It’s sad, really. I had so much hope at the beginning of our relationship–and it all fell apart. Which leads me to my point. 

What gift of darkness did Adolf give me? Adolf, not intentionally, taught me to be stronger than I had ever been before–so much stronger. He gave me fear. He gave me insecurity. He gave me shame. He gave me pain–physical, emotional, sexual and psychological. All in all, he gave me the absolute bottom. And all of that taught me to fight for myself, for my life, for my sanity. I suspect that I will keep fighting, in one way or another, for the rest of my life. His gift? Resilience. My life is worth fighting for. I survived his abuse. I can survive anything. 

What gift did J give me? It’s hard to articulate because it’s much more nuanced and far less straight forward than it was with Adolf–think explosion v. erosion. At first, J made me feel completely loved and safe. He was kind and understanding of my insecurities, mostly–and then, I saw him ugly drunk for the first time. He is a monster when he’s ugly drunk. He angers easily, throws things, says the most hurtful, hateful things and just basically makes me feel as low as Adolf ever did. In some ways, it was almost worse. I expected to be loved and to feel safe, because that’s what he had shown me, mostly–that’s what he had promised me. He lied and it blindsided me in a way that Adolf never could because I expected Adolf’s cruelty–and with J, at least the first time, it came out of nowhere (mostly). And it hurt–hell, it still hurts when I think about it.

 His gift to me is the belief that I deserve to be treated respectfully–and to be treated well. I deserve to be far more than an afterthought to a person who claims to love me. His drinking (and video games and movies) always came first and that is unacceptable. I deserve better. In other words, his gift was to show me that I deserve better than the bare minimum from others. And I’m working on it, although I still have a ways to go. xo

Day 26: Things that I’d say to an ex

I can’t really answer this one either because I still speak with my most current ex fairly often and the one before that, I actively avoid. I suppose that there are probably some that I owe an apology to–so, I will go with that. I would say that I am sorry for any perceived or actual offenses. 

Day 27: What I wore today 

Today, I wore a beige-y sorts bra, leopard microfiber panties, a 3/4 sleeve, cornflower-blue t-shirt, black sweatpants and flips (when I had shoes on). 

Day 28: The word/phrase that you use constantly

There are a few–the most common are:

*Super

*uber

*like

*Jeez oh Pete’s

Day 29: The night of my 21st birthday

My birthday is in the middle of December, so I always have a lot of other stuff to do–it’s always been that way. Orchestra stuff and exams/papers seem to have taken up all of my time back then–so, I didn’t do much for my 21st. I had a legal drink at Ralph’s (carding was not an issue there early on) and then another over at Kirby’s–and then I went home to write an Aristotle paper for my Happiness Seminar. xo

Day 30: something that I’m excited about 

Okay, this is a tricky one to answer because the thing that I am most excited for isn’t a thing–it’s a visit, from someone who is very, very dear to me. Because this is not entirely my story to tell, I won’t use a name or any identifying information and will avoid being too mushy/flowery  by engaging in some self censorship. This is a really good example of what I was talking about a few days ago on here when I wrote about why I censor myself to protect the privacy of others.

Day 22: My morning routine

5-ish: wake up b/c I have to pee and then back to bed.

8-ish: my alarm goes off–hit snooze until…

9-ish: get up for the day

10-ish: brush my teeth and shower–and then off to wherever I’m supposed to be for the day

Day 23: A family member that I dislike

I cannot really answer this because I keep this blog public. I often have to censor myself for the sake of others and this time, it’s because I love my family, immediate and extended, and I want to keep the peace–and that is far more important to me than answering this day’s inquiry.  

And a little more on why I censor myself here, especially because this whole blog was started to give me a place to be completely me and completely real. But first, you should know that, I am very, very real–here and in person. I have never had any interest in being fake or being someone else. I’m blunt and relatively unfiltered–but also have the social graces of someone of my upbringing and background–so, people often don’t “get” me. I suppose that all of this is complicated by the fact that I can be really spacey at times. 

Anyhow, I’m really real–but sometimes my reality will include another person (or people)–which automatically makes it not entirely my story to tell. When I censor myself, it is almost always to protect the privacy and/or feelings of another. Oh, and it’s not like I tell you guys everything. I keep a lot of stuff to myself–that stuff is nobody’s business but my own. And it is usually the messy stuff that no one needs to know about me–unless we are UBER close. So yeah, I’m not going to tell you specifics of my sex life or anything like that–so, use your imaginations, lovelies, and then go try that with the partner of choice. xo

Day 24: Something you miss

It’s rare that I miss things. People, pets, times and places–I definitely miss those–but things? Not so much. I suppose, I miss my house in Michigan. I don’t want to go back there–like in an actual sense, but I miss the lake and the forest and the privacy. You didn’t need window covering or even clothes. It was really private. I do miss that too. xo

Day 25: Four weird traits that I have

I really don’t understand this question. I’m guessing that whoever made this challenge was aiming for a different word when s/he used, “traits”. If that was the word she had intended, then–I really don’t have any weird traits. I’m short, but that’s not weird–and I don’t have like a third nipple or an iffy 6th toe nub or whatever. Yeah, no. xo

Day 19: My five fears

1. My biggest fear is that something bad will happen to one of both of my parents–like a crime, serious, prolonged illness or death. And yeah, yeah, everyone dies–I get that and I accept the inevitability of it, but I am still terrified over it. It may not be logical, but humans seldom are all of the time.

2. Becoming “locked in”, due to another stroke or some other kind of brain injury. If you’ve seen the movie, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly, that is a depiction of what I’m talking about. If not, being locked in is having the same mind that one has always had, but is unable to move or talk at all–with some very minor exceptions, like an eye blink. I would not ever want to live this way.

3. My third fear is kind of lame, but I am really afraid of disappointing the people who count on me for whatever reason. It’s not a people pleasing thing, but rather a doing right by people thing. 

4. My fourth fear is needing a heart transplant. I know, it’s kind of oddly specific, but it is a definite possibility, and I really hope to avoid it. 

5. My fifth fear ties into my fourth in that I am hugely afraid of losing my independence–mentally, bodily, emotionally and intellectually. I can’t think of too many things worse than being dependent on another person for my daily activities. I experienced this a little after I got out of the hospital last year–and it was horrible. 
 

Day 20: My music player on shuffle–the first 3 songs. 

1. Party and Bullshit by The Notorius B.I.G.

I love this song. It’s fun and silly–and his voice will always take me there. It’s terribly sad that he was murdered over some ridiculous feud. This is what happens when little boys have guns–people die senselessly.

2. Ohio by Neil Young

Another beloved song. Most of you reading this know what this song is about–and it, for me, pings all sorts of emotions–mainly anger and sadness. Anger at the actual event and anger that not much has changed (in the States) in terms of how authority reacts to protest. The Occupy Wall Street movement and the recent protests over the shooting of an unarmed kid by police in Ferguson, MO, tell us and show us that we have a long way to go when it comes to the reaction of authority to demonstrations that they don’t like. 

And sadness at the lives lost at Kent State that fateful day, at so many friends having dads that were changed for the worse by their time in Vietnam and over the fact that not much has changed for those who seek, undertake and value dissent. 

3. Buffalo Stance by Neenah Cherry

The quintessential late-80s/early-90s jam that is still fresh as fuck. Go listen to it–I’ll wait. It’s a good one for getting stuck in your head and for bopping around to in the house, car–wherever. And the lyrics, way heavier than the melody suggests. It’s like Electric Avenue that way. I love both. 

Day 21: My Zodiac sign and does it describe me.

Well, I think that astrology is a steaming load of hooey–so, I am already biased on this question. My sign is Sagittarius, and of course it describes me perfectly. That’s how they’re written–so broadly, that they can fit almost every scenario they are applied to. And for those who say that I should get “my chart” done for a more personal experience–yeah, no. There are so many other things that I could waste my money and time on, it’s all good. Believe if you want. I choose not to. It would be lovely to be able to predict the future, but part of the beauty of life is the element of surprise that it provides–good and bad. It’s how we grow and find common ground with others. Our struggle to live and seek meaning is part of the adventure–trying to predict it is pointless. Enjoy your own personal adventure and let yourself  be engaged and surprised as each new thing comes along. The human experience/the human condition is what connects us (in part, at least) to each other. And not knowing what comes next is a big part of that connection.

Okay so, because #16 involves bullets for my entire day, I’m going to skip it for now and tackle it later. 

Day 15: Three Pet Peeves

This is actually much harder to do than you would think–mainly b/c so many of the things that annoy me are situational. My goal here is to think of three things that will always bother me, regardless of what else is going on at the time. 

1. My biggest pet peeve is people who treat me like I am not good enough for them–and act accordingly. I have a past–we all do, and people who judge you on it are truly not worth your time. Really. And while I know this is in the abstract, I struggle with it every, single day by letting people walk on me repeatedly. For example, I have a “friend” who is only attentive when he wants something–and, after treating me like something that he scraped off of his shoe, he fully expected me to pick right up where we had left it. 

Aside from never apologizing for treating me so poorly, he has the gall to ask me out and then rescind the offer once he found out that I won’t sleep with him. I find that this is a good example because here is a guy who knows all about my past and treats me like I am nothing–less than nothing–and it hurts. Bad. Not because I am attached or even attracted to this person, but rather, because I put up with it and that kills me a little every day–knowing that I am at fault (at least in part) for my own debasement. And that makes it hurt even more

2. My next pet peeve may be more of a quirk than an actual pet peeve. I cannot and will not have sex, in a non-public place, if my partner is wearing socks. Now, a quickie in a bathroom is sock appropriate b/c the clothes, for the most part, stay on. But if you have privacy and time–the socks have to go. Period. End of story. And I have no idea why this bothers me so much–it just does.

3. And my third pet peeve is fairly predictable–bad, slow horrible drivers. Do I really need to explain this one? Bitch, please.

Day 17: A quote that I try to live by

The quote that I try to live by is, “I love as I find”. Although I find it to be self explanatory, I will say that I try to live a life of love and acceptance for all people. I fail at it–most the time. But I still try to see the beauty in everyone and to accept them just as the are. 

Day 18: My favorite color and why

Green is my favorite color, if I have to pick one (and I do for this). Because I am synesthesic (I have “had” synesthesia my whole conscious life), green, to me, is dewy and crisp, like leaves in the woods or soft, thick grass. It surrounds you closely, but more like a light embrace rather than a restraint. It’s presence and/or inclusion makes things complete. It, not surprisingly, evokes the smell of vegetation/flora. Sometimes the smell is so sweet and bitter that it makes my mouth water. 

This is probably way more that you wanted to know–but it gives you a small look into how I experience the world, I hope. I’m not very good at describing it. 

Day 12: Two words or phrases that make me laugh.

1. I love the phrase, “Oh,for crying out loud”. The images that it evokes make me giggle every time I use it or hear it.

2. I love the word, zesty. It’s actually my favorite word. 

Day 13: My commute is pretty much non existent–the closest thing that I have to a driving routine is my drive to my roommate’s  workplace. This is one thing that I don’t want to describe, mainly because this page is public. 

Day 14: My life in 7 years will, hopefully, look similar to my life now, but I would like to be working in my PhD and working as a therapist. I also hope to be either fostering or adopting a kid who has no where else to go–one who has been put out by his/her parents for being LGBTQIA. 

I feel extremely passionate about helping these specific children, especially because they’re at such a heightened suicide risk. And although it may sound trite, I honestly believe that every kid should have a place to call home, whether they are LGBTQIA or not–and I have more than enough to offer  a kid, so why not? 

Day 9: My feelings on agism.

Just like most other isms, I’m definitely against it. 

Day 10: A fruit that I don’t like and why.

I really don’t like kiwis. They are just too squishy and they taste funky. Not a fan. 

Day 11: My current relationship status.

My current relationship status is single. I split up with my boyfriend of 5+ years a while ago–and am enjoying being single. I do, however, have a friend that I hang out with on occasion. And that is perfect for me. xo