A Bit of This And That

So, yeah–I have to start by saying thank you, gorgeous friends, for caring enough to read my posts. I always thought my life was pretty boring–I guess that I was wrong. 

If you didn’t already know, J and I broke up a while ago, and it feels so good to be taking care of only myself–either you know exactly what I mean or you have no idea. Being the caretaker of another (capable) adult is challenging. Who am I kidding? It sucks–like really, really. And when I was free of that, at first, I was a little paralyzed. I didn’t really know how to  live without putting another person first. 

It sounds way more pathetic than it actually was, but hopefully, you know what I mean. For once in a VERY long time, it was all about me in terms of  what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go, who I wanted to go there with, etc. I was and am accountable only to myself. And I really, really like it. More specifically, I used to have to be very careful of what I said and how I behaved around J. I didn’t realize how tedious our interactions had become until they weren’t really there anymore. 

It’s actually really hard for me to write about this, not because it hurts (although it does–less now than before), but because I don’t want to hurt him or the people who love him and still see him as a sweet, little boy. He is sweet when he wants to be, but it all still feels like a manipulation–that the minute I do something that pisses him off, that sweetness will be gone and I’ll be left with the apathetic person that lived on my couch, drinking and caring only about himself. 

And while before, he always threatened me with not trying to get sober (he promised that he would God knows how many times)–not overt threats, but the kind that you know are there, implied in every interaction; now that he is sober, the threat is that he’ll start drinking again. It’s a new one and it pisses me off more than I can really describe. This will be his new way of manipulating me –IF I allow it–and I’m really not inclined to. As much as I want to believe that I owe him nothing because all he did was take–I still can’t stand the idea of hurting people–especially one who was a big part of my life  for so long. xo

When I first started this blog, I promised myself that I would be as open and honest as possible. And those goals often stand in contrast with the fact that you have to live with the fallout from being so. It’s easy to say that I shouldn’t care–it’s much harder to live it. xo