Month: July 2016

So, yeah–fun fact: I’m mostly terrified of thunderstorms. Yes, really. I used to love them–especially when I was in the Alps. There is nothing quite like a storm in such a beautiful, mountainous place. I’m really glad that my fear of them didn’t exist until after we returned from overseas. 

That said, Michigan has some pretty hellacious storms–complete with tornados and LONG power outages–like days, not hours. North Dakota is different. While we still have bad storms and tornados, the infrastructure, at least in Fargo, is pretty well updated and able to withstand rain and wind for the most part. 

This is all relevant because I have been thinking about phobias a lot lately and trying to trace the thought process that most likely created them. Yes, I have far too much time on my hands. What’s even more interesting (to me anyway) is how I behave when I’m freaked out and frightened–I find that it’s a mirror of who I trust because that’s who I call/text. 

In case it’s escaped your attention, I have some major trust issues. Like huge ones–like, they-need-their-own-seat-on-the-plane ones. And if I trust you–whether I say the words or show you through my actions towards you (or both)–I love you. It really is that simple for me–although telling someone that I love them is very hard for me initially. I will almost never say it first in the context of a sexual/romantic relationship. I’ll just go on thinking it and acting like it, but keeping it inside. The same goes for non-sexual friendships–I probably won’t say it first in that situation either–but the chances are a lot better that I may. Once it’s out there–I’ll say it all the time, but I can’t and won’t take that initial risk–my heart has been destroyed too many times. It sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’m at. Safety first and all that stuff. 

And while I do love some people who I don’t trust–it’s almost always b/c the love has lingered after the trust has been destroyed. I hate admitting that because it feels like failure–and it guess that it is in a lot of ways. It sounds really fuct up–but sometimes, I can’t help but ruminate on why certain relationships/friendships failed–and how I contributed to their demise. And before anyone gets too militant about the near-constant abuse (IMHO, of course) that made me leave my marriage–let me assure you that that’s not where I’m going. I’m merely trying to be a better person by analyzing how I can do things differently (better?) on an interpersonal level. Once I figure it all out, I’ll write about it. But until then, I’ll continue to ruminate and write about that. I hope that it doesn’t get too boring for you guys. xo

So, yeah–as most of you know, I’m a happy person–annoyingly so, usually. I tend to look for the positive spin on pretty much everything–and while I get depressed occasionally–it never usually lasts very long. Some people find me funny and some find me snarky–I’m not really sure why–I guess that it depends on the person. 

Why am I telling you this? Mainly because a lot has happened over the past week–and it’s worth writing about. I need to write about it, if I’m being totally honest. It’s up to you, gorgeous friends, whether you want to read it. 

I am extremely lucky. I have the best people imaginable in my life and one in particular who makes me try harder every, single day to be a better person. I doubt that he knows how much he inspires me. Just knowing that there is someone who knows me–who sees me–the real me–the flawed and broken me–and still likes me anyway–is incredibly happy making. It’s also a new experience for me. He wants nothing from me except me and I’m SO not used to that. I’m forever grateful that we met and that he wants to be a part of my life. He knows who he is, and if he’s reading this–he should know that he is cherished beyond measure.  

Aside from the early part of last week where I was crazy stupid happy, I have had some decisions to make–and they weren’t especially easy ones. If you read my previous entry, you have an idea of what has been going on–and here’s a news flash–I will almost always choose me when forced to decide between myself  and some jackass who is trying to make me choose. I don’t have room in my life for people who purposely make me feel bad or guilty or who grossly underestimate my value. I truly believe that all humans (and all sentient beings, actually) deserve love, dignity and respect–and that includes not being used or taken advantage of for what they can give to others. I’ve decided to make this the standard in my personal and business interactions (with very few exceptions). I know, I know–it’s about time. I’m dead tired of people assuming that I’ll be cool with being treated like an after thought because I tend to not freak out over most stuff. That is a fucked up assumption for anyone to make. I deserve better. Most everyone deserves better.

I had a very interesting talk on Saturday with a friend, and it surprised me that he felt so passionately about protecting me from others who may use me–especially since he was the one, arguably, who has used me and hurt me the most. It’s funny how that happens–the willful blindness to our own faults and flaws. I get that he was trying to be helpful and supportive–and I appreciate that–but that help and support comes at a fairly high price. I wish that I could go back to the time when I believed what he said–when I believed that he actually had my best interests in mind. If the past truly is prologue, there’s not a whole lot of chance that I will ever trust him again–not like I did. And that makes me terribly sad. 

So there’s that.  Thanks for reading gorgeous friends! Have a happy, happy 4th!!! And stay safe!!!

So, yeah–it’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Call it a slump or a block, call it busy doing other stuff–hell, call it whatever you’d like because the bottom line is that I was gone and now I’m not–and this is my new and improved, somewhat renewed passion for writing. I hope that I don’t disappoint you guys. 

Some things have changed since I wrote last–and my life looks a little different than it did 176 days ago (my last published entry, according to here).  

One of the biggest changes would have to be that I’m getting stronger a little bit every day–rebuilding what was lost in two very dysfunctional relationships (one of which was terribly abusive). I’m standing up for myself more with the people I would ordinarily give a pass to for one reason or another–and that includes a few friends who I trusted. 

It sucks to be used even under the best of circumstances–but this was beyond that. I’m not going to name names b/c I have yet to hear his side of things, but it’s been several days since I brought the subject up to him–and still no response. As far as I’m concerned, that’s all the response I need. I’m sad and disappointed (so disappointed)–but I can’t go on pretending that everything is okay when it’s so not. I wish that stuff had turned out differently–that he had told me that I was being ridiculous–and that he would never do that–that our friendship was important enough to him to actually fight for it. I guess that it wasn’t. Live and learn, right?

Another big change is that I’m not letting people use guilt and other strong feelings (like love) to manipulate me–with a pretty decent success rate so far. The worst of it–my personal, “hitting bottom”–was right before Memorial Day weekend. I had already made plans with some friends and had intended to be out of town. It didn’t quite turn out that way–not even a little bit. Instead of enjoying a night of good music and fun with my friends, I was hanging out with my ex, (J), who had basically bullied and coerced an invite to my house for the weekend. He had accomplished this by making me feel as bad about myself as is humanly possible. And wouldn’t you know, he pulled the same crap this holiday weekend also. The difference is that I didn’t fall for it–give in to it. I am so done being used and manipulated.

So, yeah. There’s that. It’s not the unabridged version– but it does have its entertainment value.😊