So, yeah–fun fact: I’m mostly terrified of thunderstorms. Yes, really. I used to love them–especially when I was in the Alps. There is nothing quite like a storm in such a beautiful, mountainous place. I’m really glad that my fear of them didn’t exist until after we returned from overseas.
That said, Michigan has some pretty hellacious storms–complete with tornados and LONG power outages–like days, not hours. North Dakota is different. While we still have bad storms and tornados, the infrastructure, at least in Fargo, is pretty well updated and able to withstand rain and wind for the most part.
This is all relevant because I have been thinking about phobias a lot lately and trying to trace the thought process that most likely created them. Yes, I have far too much time on my hands. What’s even more interesting (to me anyway) is how I behave when I’m freaked out and frightened–I find that it’s a mirror of who I trust because that’s who I call/text.
In case it’s escaped your attention, I have some major trust issues. Like huge ones–like, they-need-their-own-seat-on-the-plane ones. And if I trust you–whether I say the words or show you through my actions towards you (or both)–I love you. It really is that simple for me–although telling someone that I love them is very hard for me initially. I will almost never say it first in the context of a sexual/romantic relationship. I’ll just go on thinking it and acting like it, but keeping it inside. The same goes for non-sexual friendships–I probably won’t say it first in that situation either–but the chances are a lot better that I may. Once it’s out there–I’ll say it all the time, but I can’t and won’t take that initial risk–my heart has been destroyed too many times. It sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’m at. Safety first and all that stuff.
And while I do love some people who I don’t trust–it’s almost always b/c the love has lingered after the trust has been destroyed. I hate admitting that because it feels like failure–and it guess that it is in a lot of ways. It sounds really fuct up–but sometimes, I can’t help but ruminate on why certain relationships/friendships failed–and how I contributed to their demise. And before anyone gets too militant about the near-constant abuse (IMHO, of course) that made me leave my marriage–let me assure you that that’s not where I’m going. I’m merely trying to be a better person by analyzing how I can do things differently (better?) on an interpersonal level. Once I figure it all out, I’ll write about it. But until then, I’ll continue to ruminate and write about that. I hope that it doesn’t get too boring for you guys. xo
ealvfargond 