Okay, so–it’s the end of the first month of a brand-spanking-new year–and life (on a micro/personal level) is pretty good. I don’t want to jinx it by saying that (and pray that I don’t), but, I have been really happy for a while now. And it’s not like one huge thing happened and changed everything, like winning the lottery (it never really happens that way–at least in my experience)–just a bunch of little things (and one bigger one) that all happened at the right time–when I was open to them–and timing really is everything.
But, before I even start talking about any number of those little things (in this post or future ones), this needs to be said first–some of you reading this may be close with and/or related to my ex, J. Nothing that I write about him is written with the intention of maligning him, hurting him or making him look bad. I loved him and treated him the best way that I knew how–but there is a lot to that story that you don’t know. He was not good to me–he had five years worth of chances to change that and he didn’t. He didn’t even care enough to try–and worse, used me for all those years. Let’s just leave it at that–that he didn’t treat me very well at all.
I’m sorry if the things that I write hurt you or make you feel uncomfortable, but his behavior was heartbreakingly neglectful at best–and menacing and terrifying at worst (and still is to some extent). It sounds somewhat glib, but the bottom line is that had he wanted me to speak and think more positively of him, he should have treated me better.
For a very long time, I thought I knew what being happy was. I am a happy person by nature–it’s how I’ve always been. And I assumed (wrongfully), that being less-than-happy in my relationships was just part of life. There are earlier posts that go into this far more deeply than I am going to here–please read them, if you feel so inclined and want more background.
I’m somewhat torn on how much to write about this next topic–this particular person–because he’s an enormous part of my life and the inspiration behind a lot of my happiness. I’ve written about him before, but things have changed significantly since I last wrote about him and me. This is that bigger thing that I mentioned earlier–and it isn’t just about me. That’s the rub–it’s not exclusively my story to tell–there’s someone else involved–and while I’ve mentioned him lots of times before, I haven’t told you who he is. That’s definitely not going to change unless and until he says that he’s okay with it. Some of you know him or know who he is–but, like I said, this is partially his story now too. And as such, I can only tell my part of it.
What I will tell you (at least for now–there will be more later) is that I feel like the luckiest chick alive–I thought that I knew what loving someone felt like–but I was so wrong. I have never felt this way about another person before, and although it’s moderately terrifying, I wouldn’t trade it for anything. He is so totally worth the risk of getting hurt again. He means everything to me.
So, yeah. That’s the first part of my new year and while there is a hell of a lot more to it, I’m going to stop for now. Thank you for reading. xo
ealvfargond 