Okay, so–let’s talk about being broken, being shattered and cobbled back together–and how that makes you both exceedingly bulletproof and crazy-fragile. We can talk about the struggle of rebuilding your psyche as we go (this isn’t really a one-post topic). They (the fractures/breaks/whatever) linger and inform who you are–who I am. I hadn’t planned on this topic (or that one either), but a conversation had a few days ago made me think about it–and then the brain hamster got ahold of it–that’s all it took–so, off we go…
I’m pretty sure that all of us have had at least one (more like tens, hundreds, thousands, etc.) heartbreaking, ego-shattering, life-affirming, perspective-altering event–the kind of thing that flips a switch in your brain and makes you different. It doesn’t have to be something big–just relevant. Sometimes it makes you entirely different–sometimes only a minuscule amount–or to any degree in between. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing (hence the inclusion of life affirming) but it so often is.
For whatever reason, humans don’t usually look at their happy, satisfied lives and decide to bring on a paradigm shift. Although, I doubt that changes of this kind–stemming from some sort of event–and/or mental shift–are voluntary or even conscious. It’s like we have layers of blinders on and each event takes one off. That’s simplistic, but I think that you get what I’m saying.
I guess that it depends on the person, but for me, changes of this kind, while (initially) devastating and painful beyond belief, are usually very, very positive in the long run. The extreme cruelty that I’ve experienced has made me more compassionate, the apathy has made me a much better listener–the selfishness has made me more altruistic. And being used by those who claimed to love me? Well, that just pissed me off. At the people who took advantage, but mostly at myself for letting it happen. Again.
I’m pretty sure that I still have a LONG way to go–before the blinders are as off as possible–but I feel like I’m in a position to finally start to try to take away some layers. I know that this is going to get cheesy–seriously, go get some chips, I’ll wait. Good? Okay. As I often do, I credit the people in my life for getting me here–the good and the not-so-good (the could-be-better?).
I feel social again, meaning, feel like me again. For the first time in a very long time, I am only responsible for taking care of myself (and the kitters, of course)–which is incredibly freeing. Maybe that’s what this new optimism is about–freedom? Freedom from the the harness of always having to put another adult’s needs before my own. Twice. Ultimately it was my choice–and I take full ownership of allowing that situation to occur twice and exist for a very, very long time. That’s on me. I get that now–and that’s part of the feeling of being free–knowing that I survived two very bad situations–the first FAR, FAR worse than the second–and owning it.
We do what we have to to make a life for ourselves and convince ourselves that we’re happy–until we see what our lives could be and what happiness actually looks like. And it hurts, it is agonizing to take the first step–but once it happens and you take another and another–you realize that there is no way you would ever go back. You would do most anything to not have to.
That’s where I was a while ago–like three-and-a-half years or so ago. I don’t know what clicked in my brain, but my unhappiness had been building and it just became too much. It flipped a switch and I realized that things were never going to change and this was it–my life was this. And I hated it. I would go to my grave settling for unhappiness and mediocrity and being treated like a piece of furniture, a servant and a money tree–hating my life. All the while realizing I was so so much better than this–that I deserved so much better than this. That was my wake-up call.
So, I started to fix it–I changed my perspective a little bit at a time until staying (both in that relationship and that head space, in general) would be unbearable and going back was unthinkable. I forced myself to do what I wanted to do, even when everyone else wanted to do something else. I stopped spending time with certain people because time spent with them always left me feeling empty, sad, worried and drained–among other things.
As it stands now–I feel like the luckiest woman in the world. I truly have the greatest people in my life–some from way back, some from very recently and some from all points in between. There are far too many to name here–but if you’re reading this, you’re probably one of them. You, gorgeous friends, make my life rich and full and beautiful–I hope that I do the same for yours–at least a little bit.
As for my guy, Elroy (Jason), I don’t even know where to start. You all are probably sick of hearing about how awesome he is–I’m sorry about that. Skip ahead if you’re that sick of it because I’m going there–he’s a huge part of this transformation. He has made me feel as safe and loved and beautiful as is humanly possible. He has brought people into my life who have become some of my closest friends. He is someone who I could talk with for hours day after day–and he is truly one of the kindest, most brilliant people that I’ve ever met. He is sweet and compassionate and funny–so incredibly funny. And, he isn’t ashamed of me–which sounds like one of those, “duh”, things–but would you honestly be surprised if I told you that the other two were? Really?
While I could get into all of the details of my past relationships–I’ll spare you that. Let’s just say that they illustrate how far I’ve come in terms of my self esteem and what I think is worth hanging in there for. And I think that I’ll keep going–moving forward and loving my life along the way–imperfections and all. My vulnerability (fragility?) is an essential part of my strength and I finally feel free enough not only to notice it, but to acknowledge it also. I’m a work in progress. Aren’t we all? Thanks for reading, gorgeous friends. xo
ealvfargond 