Author: ealvfargond

Hello, gorgeous friends and beautiful sinners! It’s been a while–not for lack of trying. A lot has happened over the past few months–some good, some bad–all of it necessary in some way or another. 

My life was getting stagnant in so many ways–and there’s only so much lunching and shopping and errand running that you can do before you need something much more challenging and meaningful to do. Don’t get me wrong–my life was really good the way it was–for the most part–but lots of big changes were taking place and it was basically  (figuratively) adapt or perish–and I’m not one to just lie down and die. 

Some of you know about my biggest change b/c I’ve mentioned it on FB–but for those of you who missed it or don’t go on FB–I now have a job in a law office–and plan on getting my law license in ND and MN. Weird, right? A lot of you don’t know me as a full-time lawyer–but it’s not much different than me as a full-time socialite–so, no big deal. 

The only thing that isn’t absolutely wonderful about this change is that I get up so very early. Ouch. I’m kidding–getting up early is my routine now and I have started to actually like it. You really do have so many more hours in the day when your day starts at 5am.

So, yeah–I’ve made some extremely positive changes in my life recently, and as changes are prone to do, I feel like a different person in a lot of ways. A renewed person. A happier, far less tormented person.

 For those of you who don’t know, I’ve started working in the legal profession/field in ND (baby steps) and it just feels right somehow. I never really stopped entirely (I have matters in MI that have needed ongoing attention since 1998)–and being completely honest–my passion for justice and for people has never waned. If anything, it’s grown.

What’s different now is certain people have entered my life–or rather, a certain type of people that shift your world view just enough to either help or hinder. And these people have been a huge help. I have been blessed my whole life with regard to the people that, for some reason, want to be around me. I have and always have had amazing friends and family. And sometimes it only takes one person to make you soar or crash–and I’m so fortunate to have found several of the ones that make me soar (one person in particular–more on that in a sec)–after far too long with those who made me not only crash, but who also worked (and still work) at keeping me down–consciously or unconsciously. 

I’ve weeded most of those people out of my life–and I feel so much better now that they are gone. I’m not one to put much (or any) faith in astrology and psychics and woo woo stuff like that–but I know that I feel so much lighter now–so much less burdened. 

I tend to let people get away with treating me horribly because I feel like I deserve it (at times–more on this below) and b/c I feel sorry for them–their hard pasts and the lack of love shown to them by others. I have always made excuses for them–even when I shouldn’t have–even when I should have walked away and never looked back. 

After thinking about it for decades, it’s dawned on me that I take their crap and stand by them (in spite of it) b/c, on some level, I feel guilty for having (what I see as) a very charmed life. How fuct up is that?! I’m sure that there are a billion other reasons, like not wanting to hurt someone, that can figure into why I do what I do–but I know that guilt plays a part–it always has. I am, however, getting better and better at putting the negative where it belongs and not internalizing it. I consider that progress.

And about that one certain person–if it weren’t for him (my whatever consort), I wouldn’t have nearly the amount of confidence that I currently do–or even much at all. It’s just knowing that there is this wonderful, awesome and amazing person who cares about me a whole lot (loves me even?) and wants me to be happy–it blows me away. He makes me want to try harder to be better and to do better. And I have never had that before with a romantic partner–this is uncharted, surprising, incredibly happy-making territory–and I have to admit that I like it here, in this territory, with this one fantastic person. I think that I’ll stay for a while. 

So, there’s that. Thanks for reading, gorgeous friends.

So, yeah–I was up super late, so bear with me if this gets twisty–I’m not saying that it will, but it may. I haven’t been sleeping well for the last month or so–and I’ll get to why that might be in a sec–but last night’s wakefulness was something entirely different. Last night, it was about a person–an incredibly awesome man who is amazing and wonderful and kind and all of the good things that exist. And it was about not wanting a conversation to end–and about knowing that it wouldn’t–even when hanging up the phone–but still not wanting it to end nonetheless–even temporarily. 

I know that I say it a lot, but I am so extremely lucky (fortunate?) to have the people in my life that I do. Ten years ago, had you asked where I pictured my life in ten years, I would not have told you the truth. I would have lied and said that I pictured having kids and a great career–and a happy marriage. But I knew then, I wouldn’t have any of that–mainly because I didn’t really want kids (at least not with my husband at the time), I didn’t have a clue about what I wanted to do for my career–at that point I already held both a Juris Doctor (a fancy schmancy way of saying a law degree) and a Master’s of Social Work degree–and absolutely no idea what I wanted to do with either of them; and I also knew, from the day that I married my ex husband, that I was making the biggest mistake of my life–and I was too cowardly to speak up and save us both an incredible amount of pain, strife and energy.

 I can’t even begin to list what it could have saved just for me–that list would be far too long and hella depressing–nobody wants to read about that. Besides, self pity is not a good look on anyone. 

Why am I telling you this? Because October is, among other things, Domestic Violence Awareness Month. And, while I absolutely loathe that term, that’s what it’s called, at least for now. And apparently, this is the time, designated by God knows who, that we acknowledge all things considered, “domestic violence”. The sarcasm doesn’t really come through, but know that this issue needs our attention for more than just one calendar month every year.

As many of you know, this is an issue that I feel extremely passionate about–not just b/c it’s a part of my story, but also b/c I know that speaking out can and does save lives–literally and figuratively speaking. Another reason that I care so deeply about this issue is trickier to explain without sounding completely self-absorbed and vile–but, put bluntly, I talk about it and care about it b/c if it can happen to someone like me–it can happen to anyone. And that scares me a whole lot. Let me explain before you get the wrong idea. 

I say this b/c we have too many stereotypes that we associate with WHO this type of violence happens to. Often, it’s assumed that your typical domestic violence (DV) victim/survivor is poor, stupid,  uneducated, unattractive, dependent, helpless–and hopeless. And weak–so very weak.  It’s an awfully persistent, awfully inaccurate stereotype–but one that you will constantly hear about any time that this topic arises.  And, as I see it, this needs to stop–this type of useless, destructive view of WHO becomes abused. This is so much easier said than done, I get that–and I’m guessing that it endures because it ultimately imparts the illusion of safety. That if you aren’t any of those things, you will avoid being abused. 

But, in reality, it doesn’t work like that–not even a little bit. So many women (and I say women b/c the vast majority of victims/survivors are women) that I’ve met, who have also left abusive relationships, are vibrant, beautiful, intelligent independent women who did nothing wrong other than fall for the wrong guy. And it really comes down to that–who you allow to occupy space in your mind and heart. 

My ex husband (IMHO) is a psychopath and I am lucky to have survived my time with him. I deliberately omit the details of our relationship for a lot of reasons, but mainly b/c words have power and speaking about this stuff, in detail, gives my past too much real estate in my conscious mind. I genuinely wish that I could be that person–the one who bravely speaks in excruciating detail about her past and is so completely open about all of her experiences for the good of human kind. But that’s not me–not yet anyway. 

The person I am now is happy by nature/temperament (I largely have been my whole life), is outgoing, friendly and helpful (hopefully)–and is also plagued by terrible nightmares that could actually be (and likely are) memories of my time spent married to my ex husband. That’s a huge part of why I haven’t been sleeping well–b/c when we cram it all down inside of us, our fears and pains tend to find other ways of making themselves known when they’re ready to be dealt with. Fun, right? 

September was an extremely difficult month for me this year–but it gave me my sign that it’s time to face what took place for all those years that I was married. And hopefully, it gets resolved/reconciled in my mind–finally. 

I’m very optimistic that this journey will be made so much easier b/c of the people in my orbit, especially that one incredible guy (my whatever consort), who makes me feel safe and worthy and cared for (loved?)–and also b/c of all of you, gorgeous friends. Because you take the time and care enough to read what I have to say–even when it’s not funny or even remotely entertaining. That means the world to me. From the bottom of my semi-dead, partially blackened heart–thank you. xo 

1. This has been a humdinger of a week–and I would be nowhere without my friends and family. How did I get so lucky? Seriously, I’ve hit the people powerball with all y’all. I do want to give a couple of big shout outs and huge thank you(s) to certain friends who have been checking in all week and making sure that the bottom hasn’t dropped out of my reality. 

Especially a certain bestie who knew how completely I had fallen apart (without me saying a word about it–he could just tell) and made time for me today (Saturday) when his life is not exactly the picture of calm. Because I am not a super open person when it comes to my own emotional crap–it certainly helps to have friends who can just tell if something isn’t right with me. Now all I need is a hug (or 100) from my whatever consort–his hugs could bring peace to the Middle East. Don’t even get me started on his kisses (sorry–I just had to). *wink*

 
2. I see that, The Conjuring Two, is on pay per view–hmmmmmmm? I really, really want to see it–but it’s dark out and my roommate is working–and I’m guessing that my cats would do fuck all if I were the subject of a supernatural attack. They may seem sweet and all, “purr purr meow meow”, but I can tell that at least two of them are faking it. And I know, it isn’t THAT scary of a movie–but the first one was pretty damn scary and everyone told me that that wasn’t scary either. Insidious was scarier though.

3. I don’t know about you, but these cloudy days have me in a little bit of a funk. I think that maybe I’ve started to take sunny days and the brilliant, vivid blue skies that are the norm here for granted. For those of you who have never spent any time here in the FM, we have sunny days here quite often–like most of the time. If you read my last blog entry, you’d know that I am a straight up summer girl. If I wouldn’t get total hot foot from wearing my Uggs in the summer–I wouldn’t need winter at all. I couldn’t care less about having a white Christmas.

4. I don’t how many of you, if any, watch the show, The Strain, on FX–but it’s excellent and I recommend it highly. One of the premises of the story is that the “infection” uses the infected to carry the strain to their loved ones (this is not a spoiler as it is stated early on in the first episode)–and that really strikes a nerve in me, especially now. Not so much the idea of an “intelligent” virus that acts with what we would view as intention (as we humans understand/apply it as a concept)–but rather the idea that evil (and I know that many of you don’t believe in evil–but just suspend disbelief for a sec) is insidious and uses love, vulnerability and trust as conduits to reach others and latch onto their emotions to invade and take root in the loved ones’ minds. For example, children learn to hate through behavior that is modeled by parents, friends, siblings and/or their caregivers. Maybe this is making sense or isn’t–but my point is that it’s an interesting idea to ponder and run with–that what we put out into the world is the mark that we leave on it in the hearts and memories of those we care most about. Pop culture can be somewhat profound, if you know where to look.

5. This is inspired by something a beautiful woman and friend just posted. From now on, I’m thinking that when someone is being a hateful, misogynistic and/or racist piece of garbage online, we should make it our mission to hunt his/her ass down and make sure that their vitriol is passed along to their family AND their work (the HR department especially). Screen shots, people–get screen shots–this is NOT legal advice, but common fucking sense–plus, it saves you the trouble of defending yourself of being accused of libel (usually–there would be exceptions, of course–there always is). People who say such things should have to live with the consequences of the hurt that they are causing and the hate that they are putting out into the world. What my friend posted (as screen shots) was particularly vile and I hate that she had to even be exposed to that. 

And before anyone gets all, “but, but but…”, this whistleblower treatment should be reserved for the worst of the worst–not just casual bitch calling–UNLESS they are in a position of power, like a judge, a cop, a teacher, etc.–in which case, that should probably  be known. This is also NOT meant for adults who are quietly enjoying porn or whatever. Porn is legal and it is your right as an adult to watch it, masturbate to it–what have you.

6. Speaking of porn, I read the most horrid article yesterday–posted by someone that I used to respect–about how porn is bad and damaging and how voluntary, adult prostitution and sex trafficking are the same thing. NO, THEY ARE NOT. Sexual trafficking is slavery and it is torture–and it is certainly not even in the same ballpark as adults choosing to be a part of the sex industry. 

And before you buy into the tired, largely fictitious trope of adults being “forced” into the sex industry–please do some research, learn for yourself and then form your own opinions. I’m not saying that you have to agree with me–and I’m sure that many of you won’t. But, to be crystal clear, I am in favor of fully decriminalizing prostitution for adults who choose to partake in that field as sex workers and as customers. It should be taxable income like any other job and people should be able to choose that as a profession without fear of being arrested and prosecuted. Again, you don’t have to agree with me, just do some looking into the vast amount of research that has been done on this particular issue before making up your mind. As for the person that I used to respect that posted such garbage? Yeah, I have zero respect for her as a feminist and as a person. Fuck her for using her page, which is followed by thousands of people, as a forum for such woman hating, slut shaming and misleading crap. My advice to her, do better–be better.

**As always–thanks for reading, gorgeous friends!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, yeah–where did the summer go? I’m not liking this rush into fall thing that people are all about right now. I love summer–but not necessarily this one. It had some very high points: going on a wonderful, relaxing vacation with my favorite person and whatever consort; a couple of last-minute trips to Grand Forks; a super-fun trip on Labor Day weekend;  seeing lots of friends–new and old; and so many great bands, parties and conversations. 

One of the things that I’ve really disliked about this summer, other than my two exes doing their level best to make me feel like I’m the worst person EVER, is all of the road construction that has been plaguing the FM. I get it, we have only a short time to get projects done up here in the tundra–and it’s not the projects themselves that I have a problem with–it’s the lack of common fucking sense when it comes to which streets to block off and tear up–and when. For those of you who don’t live here, it’s like this–every direct route across town has been closed off at the same time–except for maybe one or two–and they have trains running through them, causing backups that are not to be believed. And then there are the sudden and completely random lane closures that seem to change hourly. Just when you think you know which lane to be in, it’s been changed while you stopped for milk or whatever. 

It’s annoying and problematic because at this time of year, we also have a whole bunch of students from out of town hitting the streets–and who have no fucking idea where they are going. They also don’t seem to know what a one-way street is. So this, gorgeous friends, concludes the introduction to this particular list. Shall we?

1. When did stop signs become optional? Is this a thing? I know that I spend a lot of time bitching about how people drive and park–but this is stupid and scary and just plain dangerous. Now, I can see at least one of you eye rolling himself into another dimension (he’s the one who gets this eye-roll joke) b/c I tend to be a pretty fast and  aggressive driver–but I don’t run stop signs or red lights (yellow, yes–red, no). Hell, I even slow way down for yields and unmarked intersections b/c apparently our schools have stopped teaching driver’s (drivers’?) ed. Seriously, why do so many people around here lack basic driving skills and courtesy? 

2. Also, when did speed limits in residential neighborhoods become negotiable? I can see driving 30 in a 25, or 35 in a 30–but if you’ve been anywhere near the northside of Fargo–especially by where I live–you’ll notice that the average speed is more like 45 in a 25. It’s a problem. The police don’t seem to think that it is–if their prompt lack of attention to the matter is any indication. It wouldn’t be that big of a deal except that it is. How’s that for unassailable logic? I call that my, “Mim’s Logic”, named after the hip hop artist–go listen to his tribute to the tautology, “This Is Why I’m Hot”. Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Are we all on the same page? Good–off we go again. It’s a big deal b/c this is a very pedestrian-friendly part of town with lots of little kids, strollers, adults, dogs and every combination thereof walking around and crossing through the intersections. See where I’m going with this? Do I need to bust out with another one-hit wonder? No? Awesome. Apparently neighborhood or community policing in Fargo means that they’ll deal with it when someone gets maimed or killed. Every single one of my neighbors has called and complained about this super-fun, Frogger-esque trend–and nada. I guess if we want some police attention we should go smoke some in the frisbee golf course and wait for the new and useless “park police” to descend upon us and arrest us for not endangering anyone.

3. Marsy’s Law–just no. If you’ve seen the ads in favor of it, you’ll notice that they push the idea of, “crime-victims’ rights”, because, “criminals have more rights than victims.” Sounds good, right? Wrong. So. Very. Wrong. That’s the way our system is designed–innocent until proven guilty, protection against unreasonable searches and seizure, the right to confront one’s accusers, the right to counsel, the right to not incriminate one’s self by being forced to bear witness against one’s self, protection against cruel and unusual punishment, due process, the right to trial by a jury of one’s peers, equal protection under law, etc. This is our system–love it or shove it. And it was all designed to protect criminal defendants against the mechanism of the state. And that’s very, very important to our American concept of freedom. It’s a huge part of our national identity. The Constitution was viewed by our founding fathers as “incomplete” without these freedoms being promulgated–so they were added as Amendments in The Bill of Rights. That’s what an amendment is–a change to an existing document. And it was added to the Constitution to help increase the chances of it being ratified. 

Why am I telling you this? Aside from finding it fascinating, it’s meant to be a refresher–not an education. We give criminal defendants a bunch of rights as a matter of law b/c they are the most in need of them–they are in a position to be at the mercy of the state and all of its resources. They are the most vulnerable to the government overstepping and intruding into their lives, liberty and pursuit of happiness along with a potential deprivation of what we the people consider justice. If none of this sounds remotely familiar to you, stop reading and go sit in on a civics class or twenty. 

What does this have to do with Marsy’s Law or anything, for that matter? It’s important b/c crime victims have the resources of the state behind them, in theory (that’s another discussion for another list). Individuals don’t press charges, the People do–that’s why cases are called, The People of the State of (insert state name or The United States here) v defendant’s name. The victim is represented by the state. The Bill of Rights (and the entire Constitution) is concerned with how the government interacts with the people through its three branches (with a crap ton of other stuff in there too)–and when it comes to the criminal justice system (the judicial branch–Article Three), the potential deprivation of life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness vis-a-vis the accused is its main concern, also in theory. Put bluntly, crime victims’ rights aren’t really a concern because they aren’t really in a position to be deprived of their liberties by the state. Sorry to break that to you. This, however, dovetails nicely with item four.

4. This may upset some of you–but could everyone please just shut the fuck up about athletes not standing for the national anthem? Please? It’s a non issue–a distraction–an election-season ruse–nationalistic bullshit with a side of sanctimonious masturbation. Why do I say that? Well, b/c I just spent the last hour of my life giving an overview of constitutional law and history to you, gorgeous friends, out of concern that the majority of you either don’t know or don’t remember your basic government class that you took in high school (if at all). And that annoys the crap out of me. Yes, it’s a very rude and bitchy thing to say, and I’m sorry about that, but if you’re going to criticize another person’s patriotism (or lack thereof), you had better damn well know the basics about your own country, its foundations, its history and its governmental structure–the very things/principles/ideals that make this country great. And I am truly sorry if that offends you, but that’s my take on it and you are certainly welcome to start your own blog and tell all of your readers what you consider patriotism–and I will respect your opinions even if I don’t agree b/c that’s what adults and friends do. 

Almost twenty years ago, when I was sworn into the State Bar of Michigan, I took an oath to support and defend the Constitution of the United States of America. I take that oath very seriously. And to me, standing up for the accused in court–standing between that person and machinery of the state with all of its resources, being there to advocate for and protect his/her rights–is an act of patriotism–hell, it’s the embodiment, the actualization of the words of our founding fathers written in the Constitution (well, not exactly–I’m female and that was not who any founding father was envisioning in a courtroom as an attorney–but you get the idea). All I’m asking is for you to check your patriotism, ask yourself how you serve this country–what do you do to make it a better, more just, more human place–before judging another on his/her level of patriotism. And ffs, stop calling any of that brouhaha (over athletes standing or not for national anthem) a First Amendment issue. It’s not. Why? Go back and read item three again–and if you still don’t see it, I’ll tell you. Thanks for reading. You are appreciated–each and every one of you–even if we disagree. xo

So, yeah–fun fact: I’m mostly terrified of thunderstorms. Yes, really. I used to love them–especially when I was in the Alps. There is nothing quite like a storm in such a beautiful, mountainous place. I’m really glad that my fear of them didn’t exist until after we returned from overseas. 

That said, Michigan has some pretty hellacious storms–complete with tornados and LONG power outages–like days, not hours. North Dakota is different. While we still have bad storms and tornados, the infrastructure, at least in Fargo, is pretty well updated and able to withstand rain and wind for the most part. 

This is all relevant because I have been thinking about phobias a lot lately and trying to trace the thought process that most likely created them. Yes, I have far too much time on my hands. What’s even more interesting (to me anyway) is how I behave when I’m freaked out and frightened–I find that it’s a mirror of who I trust because that’s who I call/text. 

In case it’s escaped your attention, I have some major trust issues. Like huge ones–like, they-need-their-own-seat-on-the-plane ones. And if I trust you–whether I say the words or show you through my actions towards you (or both)–I love you. It really is that simple for me–although telling someone that I love them is very hard for me initially. I will almost never say it first in the context of a sexual/romantic relationship. I’ll just go on thinking it and acting like it, but keeping it inside. The same goes for non-sexual friendships–I probably won’t say it first in that situation either–but the chances are a lot better that I may. Once it’s out there–I’ll say it all the time, but I can’t and won’t take that initial risk–my heart has been destroyed too many times. It sounds ridiculous, but that’s where I’m at. Safety first and all that stuff. 

And while I do love some people who I don’t trust–it’s almost always b/c the love has lingered after the trust has been destroyed. I hate admitting that because it feels like failure–and it guess that it is in a lot of ways. It sounds really fuct up–but sometimes, I can’t help but ruminate on why certain relationships/friendships failed–and how I contributed to their demise. And before anyone gets too militant about the near-constant abuse (IMHO, of course) that made me leave my marriage–let me assure you that that’s not where I’m going. I’m merely trying to be a better person by analyzing how I can do things differently (better?) on an interpersonal level. Once I figure it all out, I’ll write about it. But until then, I’ll continue to ruminate and write about that. I hope that it doesn’t get too boring for you guys. xo

So, yeah–as most of you know, I’m a happy person–annoyingly so, usually. I tend to look for the positive spin on pretty much everything–and while I get depressed occasionally–it never usually lasts very long. Some people find me funny and some find me snarky–I’m not really sure why–I guess that it depends on the person. 

Why am I telling you this? Mainly because a lot has happened over the past week–and it’s worth writing about. I need to write about it, if I’m being totally honest. It’s up to you, gorgeous friends, whether you want to read it. 

I am extremely lucky. I have the best people imaginable in my life and one in particular who makes me try harder every, single day to be a better person. I doubt that he knows how much he inspires me. Just knowing that there is someone who knows me–who sees me–the real me–the flawed and broken me–and still likes me anyway–is incredibly happy making. It’s also a new experience for me. He wants nothing from me except me and I’m SO not used to that. I’m forever grateful that we met and that he wants to be a part of my life. He knows who he is, and if he’s reading this–he should know that he is cherished beyond measure.  

Aside from the early part of last week where I was crazy stupid happy, I have had some decisions to make–and they weren’t especially easy ones. If you read my previous entry, you have an idea of what has been going on–and here’s a news flash–I will almost always choose me when forced to decide between myself  and some jackass who is trying to make me choose. I don’t have room in my life for people who purposely make me feel bad or guilty or who grossly underestimate my value. I truly believe that all humans (and all sentient beings, actually) deserve love, dignity and respect–and that includes not being used or taken advantage of for what they can give to others. I’ve decided to make this the standard in my personal and business interactions (with very few exceptions). I know, I know–it’s about time. I’m dead tired of people assuming that I’ll be cool with being treated like an after thought because I tend to not freak out over most stuff. That is a fucked up assumption for anyone to make. I deserve better. Most everyone deserves better.

I had a very interesting talk on Saturday with a friend, and it surprised me that he felt so passionately about protecting me from others who may use me–especially since he was the one, arguably, who has used me and hurt me the most. It’s funny how that happens–the willful blindness to our own faults and flaws. I get that he was trying to be helpful and supportive–and I appreciate that–but that help and support comes at a fairly high price. I wish that I could go back to the time when I believed what he said–when I believed that he actually had my best interests in mind. If the past truly is prologue, there’s not a whole lot of chance that I will ever trust him again–not like I did. And that makes me terribly sad. 

So there’s that.  Thanks for reading gorgeous friends! Have a happy, happy 4th!!! And stay safe!!!

So, yeah–it’s been a while since I’ve written anything here. Call it a slump or a block, call it busy doing other stuff–hell, call it whatever you’d like because the bottom line is that I was gone and now I’m not–and this is my new and improved, somewhat renewed passion for writing. I hope that I don’t disappoint you guys. 

Some things have changed since I wrote last–and my life looks a little different than it did 176 days ago (my last published entry, according to here).  

One of the biggest changes would have to be that I’m getting stronger a little bit every day–rebuilding what was lost in two very dysfunctional relationships (one of which was terribly abusive). I’m standing up for myself more with the people I would ordinarily give a pass to for one reason or another–and that includes a few friends who I trusted. 

It sucks to be used even under the best of circumstances–but this was beyond that. I’m not going to name names b/c I have yet to hear his side of things, but it’s been several days since I brought the subject up to him–and still no response. As far as I’m concerned, that’s all the response I need. I’m sad and disappointed (so disappointed)–but I can’t go on pretending that everything is okay when it’s so not. I wish that stuff had turned out differently–that he had told me that I was being ridiculous–and that he would never do that–that our friendship was important enough to him to actually fight for it. I guess that it wasn’t. Live and learn, right?

Another big change is that I’m not letting people use guilt and other strong feelings (like love) to manipulate me–with a pretty decent success rate so far. The worst of it–my personal, “hitting bottom”–was right before Memorial Day weekend. I had already made plans with some friends and had intended to be out of town. It didn’t quite turn out that way–not even a little bit. Instead of enjoying a night of good music and fun with my friends, I was hanging out with my ex, (J), who had basically bullied and coerced an invite to my house for the weekend. He had accomplished this by making me feel as bad about myself as is humanly possible. And wouldn’t you know, he pulled the same crap this holiday weekend also. The difference is that I didn’t fall for it–give in to it. I am so done being used and manipulated.

So, yeah. There’s that. It’s not the unabridged version– but it does have its entertainment value.😊

As most of you know, I am all in for sensible gun laws and responsible gun ownership. You want a gun or even a few guns to hunt or target shoot? Knock yourself out. I’m lucky, I grew up with guns that are owned by adults who handle them safely and responsibly; and taught me to do the same. But, I could not give less of a fuck what anyone thinks of my views, especially those who think that the 2nd Amendment should exist without any limits (like the limits on ALL of the other Amendments in the Bill of Rights). Let’s be honest–it SHOULD NOT be easier to amass an arsenal than it is to buy a box of Sudafed. Think that I’m exaggerating? Go try to buy several boxes of Sudafed at once. Oh, and I really don’t want to hear about how gun laws restrict your freedoms. LAWS ARE MEANT TO RESTRICT YOUR SO-CALLED FREEDOMS. That’s why they exist–they are basically a codified version of the social contract that exists between humans and allows us to (relatively) peacefully coexist. And as for the tired, lame-ass argument that criminals will get guns anyway? Yeah, no. We don’t just shrug off any other crime that way–imagine if we did. Gee, well sorry that your kid was murdered, but there’s nothing we can do because the killer will murder people anyway, regardless of what we do–so we aren’t going to do anything at all. Or maybe this–well, sorry that the guy on the corner sold your kid some crack (or whatever) and is making the neighborhood a dangerous shit hole–but if we lock up this guy, your kid and all of his other customers will just find another way to get their crack (or whatever) and your neighborhood will still be a dangerous shit hole, so we won’t do anything at all. Is this really how you want law enforcement issues handled? Really? Then you are a fucking idiot who needs to go read a book (or 50) and get an education–preferably one that covers the concept of social contracts and the origin of laws/legal theory. Oh, and if you have a problem with my views on this, either scroll on or unfriend me. I’m not going to argue about this issue or some imaginary boogieman who is coming to take your guns. No one is coming to take your guns unless YOU make an affirmative act that causes that to happen–like being the subject of a restraining/personal-protection order or maybe being convicted of domestic assault. Then you deserve to have your guns taken away so your dumb ass doesn’t cause any further harm. 

I feel like writing a list more than I feel like going out–so, yeah.

1. It doesn’t matter what day it is, the cat boxes aren’t going to clean themselves. Yuck.

2. Relatedly, we are capable of creating so many amazing things–inventing a litter scoop that doesn’t let half of the used litter fall through isn’t one of them, apparently.

3. My goals for the coming year include being kinder, being a better friend, being a better advocate (for myself and others), being a better person and just being better than this year. Clearly I have to refine them, but that’s the direction my goals are headed. It’s hard to explain, but I feel like I have a lot of catching up to do in the “better” department. All of my friends are talented and amazing–and I really question whether I can keep up sometimes. I know, I’m being hard on myself. Like that’s something new. Welcome to my brain. It’s hella perfectionistic in here. And I can totally do this.

4. In another post, I had mentioned that my cats have been begging terribly lately–with Sprinx being the worst of the bunch. Tonight, he jumped up on the table as I sat down and didn’t really know how to handle that there was nothing that he wanted to beg for. Everything was vegetarian. He just sat there giving me airplane ears and glaring at my tofu. He is a brat–it was uber funny–but I kind of feel bad that I had nothing to give him. What can I say? I’m a tender heart–or a total sucker–I guess that it depends on the day.

5. It’s no secret that I’m a total movie buff. I absolutely love movies–which is kind of weird because I’m also a huge reader and am almost always disappointed when beloved books are made into movies (spoiler alert–the books are usually way better–duh). But, I have to confess, in addition to the usual heady, talky stuff, I love horror movies (you all knew that) and really stupid, ridiculous, insipid romantic comedies. Although, only under certain circumstances–like on weekend afternoons or late at night. Yeah. 

6. In the same vein, despite everything that’s happened in my life, I still believe that actual, romantic love exists and is possible for everyone. Corny, right? I prefer to think of it as also–resilient or hopeful or possibly, delusional. Kidding. It’s definitely not delusional.

7. I really love the word, jejune. And, zesty. Jejune seems like it should mean something entirely different than it does–and zesty sounds so dirty, but isn’t. What’s not to love?

8. This one should not be news to anyone paying attention–I’m not entirely the same person as I was before February 14, 2014. As an adult (in my mid 20s-early 40s), I used to value the illusion safety and security over happiness (it’s very hard to explain how being abused fits, but that’s part of the diseased thinking that comes from long-term abuse). I was afraid of risk. In my personal life, I was subservient and actually felt thankful (in an unhealthy, self-conscious, harmful kind of way) that people wanted me around. I would do just about anything to keep them happy because I didn’t believe that I, alone, was enough. While these aren’t necessarily bad things (to a point), it’s a horrible way to go through life–always feeling like I had to prove my worth and justify my existence. I used to always believe, deep down, that I was just not one of those people who got to choose–I was stuck (mentally) being chosen–waiting for people who weren’t even close to being worthy, to choose me. Ridiculous, right? And yes, all of this is rooted, no doubt, in paternal messages in childhood and extremely destructive romantic relationships throughout my life, but placing blame is beside the point. I was a fucking mess. 

Well, that’s changed. Somehow, I started to see myself as others really saw me (as opposed to how I thought that they saw me), and it wasn’t even in the same zip code. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long to get here. 

Yeah, I may have gone too far in the opposite direction–I will grudgingly admit that–but I would much rather be fearless and more than a little reckless than be lying in another hospital bed full of regrets. I am a genuinely nice person, but I am not going to be the doormat that I used to be because I know my worth. I’m not just an object that loses my worth as I lose my utility. If you knew me before, you may not like me as much as I am now. But for the first time in a long time, I really, truly don’t care. I love who I am now–and I love being me. xo